Saturday Night Struggles

For my friends who don't have a church family, you can skip this post...For my friends who do, maybe you can understand where I am coming from.  When we moved to St. Louis, we knew no one.  Walking into a building that bore the name of the church that we grew up with, we felt at home.  We may have not known the name of a single person, but we knew the songs, felt the prayers, and could connect with the message.  Thirteen years later, our church family is our second family.  Our church family has gone through a remarriage which has caused a lot of discussion and departures.  Every time I walk through the doors, I am missing someone.  The sense of loss is great.  I am trying to move on, meet new people, and smile at the visitors.  Nevertheless, I really want to shout at the top of my lungs "What is the matter with everyone? Why isn't there room for everyone at the table?  When will my neighbor's need matter more than mine?".  I am not a good pretender.  My friends have told me that they want the whole ordeal to be put behind them.  I do too, but I don't know how.  I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of dread on Saturday nights.  I don't know how to let go of those friends who have chosen to move on.  I. just. don't. know.

Acts of Kindness 3

One of the reasons I didn't put a time limit on myself is that I wanted to be open to being moved by the Spirit.  Last Sunday evening, I was acting just like a child and employing a classic delay tactic with my parents.  In the late afternoon, Dad said he could really use a nap.  I chimed in with a classic "I could use a trip to Marshalls."  My wonderful Dad took the bait and sent my Mom and I on a quick trip to said store.  (Macy returns the favor with a carefully played "I LOVE shopping!  Can I come too?")  As we were pulling into Marshalls, I see a lady in the far corner of the parking lot with a large suitcase.  I thought to myself that it was strange that I had never noticed that there was a bus stop here.  After making the rounds through Marshalls and Home Goods, we start to leave.  Just outside the door is the lady with the suitcase.  Up close, I realize she is an older lady. She is asking two shoppers if they would mind calling for a cab.  She recites the number as they walk away. The three of us get loaded up, and I tell my mom what I overheard.  My mom says to pull up and offer her a ride.  I love it that my mom and I think alike!  We pulled up and offered the lady a ride. Her eyes dart back and forth between the three of us, and I smile to myself thinking riding in the back with Macy could seem scary.  Finally, she says that she is hungry and was planning on the cab taking her through the Burger King next to her hotel.  My mom told her that was no problem.  I got her suitcase in the trunk, and we headed out. After taking her through Burger King, I offered to help her up to her room since she had her hands full with her dinner.  She politely refuses, and has me help get her food in the smaller bag attached to her enormous suitcase.  I see that her smaller bag is filled with convenience store snacks.  My heart just about breaks in half.  I want to ask if she is all alone in this world, but I couldn't bear the answer and let myself off the hook.  I get back in the car, and my mom and I say "Bessie!" (which is a word we use frequently to mean a variety of things - I have no idea of its origin - only that most of the time it conveys sympathy) at the same exact time.  I asked her if this could count as one of my acts of kindness, and she says most definitely.

Failure

Both Parker and I have set our eyes on our own individual goals this past week. Both of us have a slim chance of a success.  I don't say that as an invitation for back-slapping cheers or to be a Debbie Downer.  I'm just looking realistically at the odds.  Parker is already nervous and wondering if he can do it.  Of course, I use all the proper Mom speak about giving it his all, God will bless your efforts, and reminding him that he is loved regardless of his actions. Yet, at the same time, I'm praying that God will help Parker understand failure isn't defeat.  I'm also praying that when he watches me fail that it's not a game changer.  It's just a time-out.
Fifteen years in the classroom has proven me to that we, as adults, are afraid to let our children fail.  Self-esteem is to be preserved at all costs, and sometimes that cost is honesty.  My kids fail in my classroom, and they know it.  They also know they'll get to try again with my support.  At the beginning of the year, when I first tell a kiddo that he or she is stinkin' it up, a quick look of shock passes over their face.  I teach them the steps they need to take to fix it.  The next try may or may not stink.  What I'm really trying to get my students, and now Parker, to understand that taking a risk doesn't always equal success, but it does equal knowledge.  What is done with that knowledge is what matters.  I cannot think of a better place to fail than when our kids are at home - with the people who love them and who will cheer when they try again.

10 years ago

As I watch Parker and Macy grow, I'm still shocked by what it would mean to have our oldest with us.  Lauran would be celebrating her 10th birthday today.  Both Tony and I have been changed by her short life, and we hope it has all been for the better.  Throughout the whole pregnancy with two months of hospitalized bed rest and 53 days, we learned countless lessons and came to deeper understandings.  But these two lessons are closet to my heart today.

A few days ago, a woman was on the news.  Her husband and herself survived the tornado devastation by cowering in the bathtub.  The only part of her house that was left was the bathroom they were in.  She explained the only reason they survived was that God was them.  I agree.  But he was also with the people who died down the street.  I believe death comes when we have served our divine purpose.  We're all here for different reasons. Some are great, noble purposes that make the 10 o'clock news.  Others are here for a  equally great, noble purposes that impact only a small circle.  I think some people spend their whole lives looking for a greater meaning when what we all are here for is really the same reason.  We're here to find God and trade a life of selfishness for a life of love and service.  It is out of love that we change the world for those who matter to us.  Lauran didn't really do anything.  She never sat up, walked, or cooed.  But her life had a purpose.  Her life changed us and we hope maybe she changed those who came to know her.

I was offered a "termination" at my 18 weeks ultrasound appointment. Since a problem with her kidneys had been detected and at the time that was all, the medical community felt a responsibility to inform us about every possible birth defect, the characteristics, and ultimate death.  Abortion wasn't even a consideration for us.  If you are reading this and have had an abortion, I am so very sorry.  I can only imagine the complete hopelessness and defeat you felt.  After Lauran died, the very next morning, we made a decision that I believe changed our very course. No matter how hard it would be, every day we would choose life.  Choosing life doesn't just happen in the doctor's office or the local planned parenthood.  It's a daily practice, and I hope you can see beyond your to do list, bills, work, and everything else that gets in the way of your joy. We can go our whole lives and never see our purpose revealed.  But if we choose to live and treat others like time with them is a gift, then we trust our purpose will be revealed when we have reached our final destination.

Acts of Kindness Update

I love making my birthday last and last and last....Congratulations to Laura Picker for winning the Target gift card!  I am so happy to share that she is passng on the gift card to a college student - which just goes to show Laura is a kinder person than I am! :)  I can always find something at Target!
The next act of kindness goes to my coworker, Amy.  She is expecting a brother for Ava at the end of the March.  I'm doing her recess duty until she goes on maternity leave.  My brother wanted to know which act of kindness he could expect.  I told him for once I don't have a plan.  I'm just waiting for the spirit to move me.  Stayed tune because I do have plans for #3 and #4. :)

Rule of thumb

Whenever one of our babes is sick, Tony and I have different responses. The fever has just started.  "Let's call the doctor."  "It hasn't even been 24 hours yet.  It's probably viral."  Fast forward 24 hours.  "Are you ready to call the doctor?"  "He's fine on ibprofen. Do you really need to pay a copay to hear come back in three days if the fever hasn't gone away?" 48 hours later.  "I really think we should at least call and check in."  "He has a fever and runny nose.  It's only been 2 days.  Remember what the doctor said...call after 4 days of fever."  "Yes, but our children always manage to make the fourth day on the weekend."  72 hours later.  "He still has a fever. What if it isn't viral and he needs meds?"  "What color is his snot?"  "Clear"  "Wait one more day."  96 hours later. "Mom, what can I eat?  What's the plan for today? Are we going anywhere?" Fever free.

38 and feelin' great!

I am so excited that my birthday is finally here!  And not for the reasons you think - yummy food, presents, and good times!  I love those too, but drumroll please......Today starts my 38 acts of kindness!  I saw this idea out of the corner of my eye on pinterest & didn't have time to pursue it.  Since then I have been dreaming big & decided to follow my own guidelines.  Here they are: 1) only half of the acts can involve money, 2) there is no time limit except they have to be completed before I turn 39! :)  I am going to share my 38 acts here. Not because I want to brag or make you feel icky-sweet, but because I truly believe the more the merrier!

My first act of kindness is for you!

Leave a comment with an act of kindness suggestion by midnight on Friday, and you will be entered to win a $20 Target gift card!  See, I told you this would be fun!  The winner will be randomly selected and announced Saturday morning!  I can't wait to hear your ideas! :)