Prayers of My Past

In 2002, the first prayer was for life.  Not mine.  But for Lauran's.  Let the doctor's be able to fix what is wrong and let her live a long life.  Through her 53 days of life, I finally understood two scriptures - to pray without ceasing and to pray without words.  I also came to understand that I didn't change God's will through prayer, He changes mine.

In 2003, the prayer was to see first the beauty of my life rather than the pain of my life.  I watched myself celebrate every holiday, do mundane things, and marvel at mothers who casually walked through the mall with their babies in their stroller.  I prayed for God to let me live a vibrant life instead of a shadow of a life.
Help me live the kind of life I would have wanted Lauran to have.

In 2004, I prayed for faith.  We were one month away from having a baby boy.  Help me believe that the doctors are right.  He's healthy. There's nothing wrong.  Help me believe this gift of a healthy baby could be ours.

In 2005, 2006, and 2007, I have prayed with exaltation.  How blessed are we to have a beautiful, healthy baby growing and growing.  The desire of my heart fulfilled.  How GREAT are you God!

In 2008, I prayed for deliverance.  I'm in the first trimester and find myself more scared than ever before.  I have tasted the sweetness of life, and I am shamefully scared that I will have to face the bitterness again.

In 2009, my prayer of thanksgiving overwhelms me.  We may face other trials,  but nothing compares to the trial of loss.  And I know, without a doubt, God will not abandon us.

And so the prayers go in 2010, 2011, and 2012. In every past prayer, and today's, and I imagine, every future prayer, God knows I miss her.

So on this day, I say a prayer of gratitude that sometimes I am given a glimpse of the bigger picture.  Throughout these 11 years, I've watched others bear the loss of a child. Yet through their heartache, they have remained married.  Some have borne healthy children. Some have adopted children.  Some lovingly serve children.  In their lives, I see such grace and beauty.  So today, my prayer is for those mothers.  I am so thankful that they have been given the desires of their heart and that they allowed me to bear witness.  I thank God for them and for babies present and babies past.

With a little grace

I went into work this morning at 7:15 and left at 9 at night.  I am sitting on the couch without one ounce of energy.  It was a rough day - students needing more from me than reading, writing, and arithmetic.  I have a young lady in my room who is fresh out of college, and I look at her every day and wonder what in her schooling prepared her for the real world.  Professors can talk about theory.  Professional development can offer up even more strategies.  
But no one can really answer why children are struggling.  Academics are not always the challenge. It certainly wasn't today.  People can often excuse behavior with a label.  The longer I teach, the more aware I become that children, regardless of intelligence or socioeconomic status, have no idea how to treat one another.  They can be so quick to point out the faults of others, but can offer up a multitude of excuses for their own behavior. I am standing in the hallway feeling sickened by their double standards and ask if anyone knows what grace is.  None of them did.  Grace, I tell them, is giving one another a break even when they don't think their classmate deserves one.  I turned to one boy and I asked, "Do I give you a consequence every time you blurt out?"  He sadly shook his head no.  I turned to another one and asked "Do I refuse to repeat the directions for a fourth time because you didn't listen to the first three times?" He shook his head no.  "That's what grace is.  Choosing to give someone a break even when they are on your last nerve.  Show each other some grace, please." 
I foolishly thought when I was that young girl fresh from college that I would change the world.  I know now that the world was too lofty a goal.  I'm just trying to change one child at a time with a little grace. 

Two Months worth of Hits and Misses

Going back to work may cramp my blog time, but thankfully doesn't interfere with us trying out new recipes.    

Hands down, best grilling recipe ever!!!!  It's now my favorite! 

Grilled Bruschetta Chicken

 

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I am constantly searching for yummy crockpot recipes.  Sadly, this one was very bland.  If you are one of those people who can improvise on a recipe than this one would be a great starting point.  It needs a little umph.

Slow Cooker Cheesy Chicken and Rice

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You can say what you want about his quarterback form or his beliefs, but this family knows pizza!  We've had this both months.  It makes the perfect Friday night meal!

Tim Tebow's Family Pizza

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It always makes me nervous when pinners claim "Best recipe on Pinterest".  But this one lived up to the hype.  We added this to our Mexican night rotation. Ole!

White Chicken Enchiladas

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I had a cold when we tried this one, but Parker, Macy, and Tony gave this one two thumbs up.  It took a lot of bowls, but it was relatively easy to assemble.

Stuffed Shells

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Another slow cooker bust!  Very dry hashbrowns and ham...Definitely a miss!

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We had this when my family was in town, and all 9 people gave this peach version of dump cake rave reviews.  Don't skimp on the calories and skip the ice cream.  Vanilla ice cream is a must.

Peach Crunch Cake

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My virtual BFF, Ree Drummond, scored another hit with this one.  Tony especially liked that it makes a huge 9x13 so there was plenty of leftovers.

Chicken Spaghetti

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Put Buffalo Chicken in the title and we are all over it!  Even the kids love the Buffalo kick.  This recipe would be perfect for a crisp fall night or a blustery, cold winter night.  You will warm right up!

Loaded Buffalo Chicken Casserole

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This recipe was a big disappointment.  First, the description on Pinterest didn't match the link.  It was so gross that we pitched the whole thing...

Cheesy Chicken Lasagna

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A third crock pot bust!  The alfredo sauce was green and I couldn't get past it.  The kids thought it was OK, but I don't think they will be requesting it any time soon.

Chicken Broccoli Alfredo

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Happy Menu Planning!

Honestly Speaking

I love listening to people's stories and I am constantly asking questions about how these stories came to be.  Sometimes these stories are happy tales of love and devotion and sometimes these stories are full of heartache and shame.  Lately, the stories have had a common theme - honesty or lack there of.  

I know that all of us - me included - want to present the very best picture of ourselves to the world.  Good hair days, matching accessories, and if we're really lucky, wearing our skinny jeans.  We want to be viewed as having it all together.  This is the picture that we rush to publish on Facebook.

For all of us, the truth is not that pretty.  The truth is husbands cheat.  The truth is other wives question if that can happen to my good friend who is beautiful, kind, and caring, can that happen to me? 

The truth is we can't handle telling the truth.  We'll talk to our girlfriends before we'll talk to our husbands.  We'll talk about our girlfriends to other girlfriends before we ever speak the truth to our girlfriends. Ironically, speaking and hearing the truth hurts.  

But we have to speak it.  Otherwise, our stories will be full of betrayal.  If you can speak it to your girlfriend, then speak it to your husband.  Husbands, speak the truth.  We're big girls.  It may hurt to hear it but we can take it.  I used to believe that the blame for marriages falling apart could always be spread around.  Not anymore.  The blame lies with the one who quits speaking the truth.  

So say what you have to say.  Stand behind it.  Own it.  Should you choose to remain silent, then that burden belongs to you and only you. 

Wrong turns

Two Saturdays ago, Tony got a phone call from one of his best buddies.  He had 2 tickets to the Rams-Chiefs preseason game and wondered if Tony could go.  I mentioned needing a babysitter and all of a sudden Parker is going and I am staying home.  Despite the hit my ego took, the expression on Parker's face was priceless.  Needless to say, I had two very excited boys hurriedly making plans.  
The game was in a few hours so of course the thought went to changing clothes.  Chiefs attire all the way!  The boys plans quickly hit a snag when we all realized Parker's Chiefs shirts were for winter and probably too small.  We immediately started brainstorming of where in St. Louis could we find Chiefs gear.  We called Old Navy - they were sold out.  I checked online and Dick's Sporting Goods showed quite a few.  We headed over there to discover they only carry local teams in the store.  A few weeks ago, my mom and I had been shopping at TJ Maxx and Marshalls and I remembered seeing Chiefs shirts there.  We hopped back in the car and tried Marshalls.  No luck.  Tony was driving and since he usually avoids, I mean misses out on those stores, he took a wrong turn out of the parking lot.  Not to worry, we knew we could get back on the highway with a little zig-zagging.  Driving through an industrial park, I see a woman in a winter coat with 2 pieces of luggage.  Since Tony was on a mission, he was driving fairly fast.  I thought it might be the lady my mom and I had given a ride to a couple of months ago.  I told Tony that I thought it was her and she probably needed a ride to the hotel.  She was between Marshalls and standing in an empty lot.  I stated the time and asked could we still get done what we needed to get done and help her.  Without waiting for an answer, I said Parker has a red shirt he can always wear instead.  Tony turned around and drove back to the lady.  I hopped out of the car realizing up close that it was the same lady for sure.  

"Can we give you a ride?"

"I don't have anywhere to go."

"Aren't you the lady who lives in the hotel down the road?"

"I don't have any money."

I fell back in the seat to repeat what she said.  Tony asks me what I want to do.  I reply that we can't just leave her there.  We'll just have to pay for her hotel.  Even if it means we eat ramen noodles all week is what I was really thinking.  I get back out and tell her that we'll pay for her hotel.  I crowd into the back when it hits me in the face that Parker and Macy have been watching all this unfold.  She gets in and apologizes for sweating so badly.  She tells Tony that she has 9 layers of clothes on.  Then she turns to me and asks if I want to call the hotel first to find out how much the room will cost.  No, I tell her.  We'll take care of it.  I can tell she doesn't remember me.  Then she asks us if we would drive her through Burger King and she shows us $10 in multiple layers of ziploc bags.  Tony answers "Of course.  But we're buying your dinner."  "Can I have breakfast too?" "Sure!"  Listening to her order brings tears to Parker's eyes.  Even he can see how hungry she is.  We then drive back to the hotel and Parker jumps out of the car to help Tony with her bags.  Macy is still there so I stay outside with her.  Parker runs back out to let me know that Daddy has her checked in.  Without really weighing the consequences, I write down our names and our cell numbers telling Parker to run this into Daddy and he'll know what to do with it.  Tony give it to Ms. P and tells her to call us if she needs us.  "Are you sure?" she asks him.  Tony replies, "Yes, because God loves you."  Back in the car, Parker has a million questions about how she doesn't have a home or where is her family.  Questions we didn't have the answers for. 
The next morning at church, I am constantly checking my phone for Ms. P to call and asking "Lord, what will we do then?"  I'm fearful because I don't know what we can do to help her.  I know the saying give a man a fish...I know she needs a long-term solution.  Then I look around at my church family and I know if I ask for help, it will be given.  We're not alone in wanting to help Ms. P.  Parker worries too and offers his plan.  We can clean out the basement and make her a room to live with us.  I am grateful for his tender heart and think why not?  Children can break down a problem and simplify the solution.  Adults are the ones who make it complicated.  I don't know what my answer will be when she calls.  I'm just praying that God will answer for me and put the words in my mouth. That's the best I can hope for. 
All day long I kept thinking about how if Tony hadn't made that wrong turn, we would have never seen her.  I couldn't help but wonder how many wrong turns Ms. P may have made in her life.  Is she like the prodigal son? Too ashamed to call home? Has she made choices that her family felt forced to confront and say don't call us anymore?  
Then I looked back at our married life and all the turns it has taken. Turns we made with the best of intentions that turned out to be wrong ones.  And I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that we have a God who does love us and can take all of our wrong turns and make them right ones. 

Consumption

I'm officially a working mom again.  Today is my second contracted day.  I woke up this morning at 1:45, and my first thought was my school to do list.  It rumbled through my mind like a never-ending freight train.  By 3:00, I gave in and got up and got busy.  I went back to bed at 4:45. Now drinking my coffee at 6:30, I am marveling at how quickly my job consumes me.  I hate to say it's a job when it means so much more to me than that.  Nevertheless, it is still a job.  
And I had to stop and ask myself, will Parker and Macy know that being their mother consumed me?  Will Tony know being his wife consumed me?  Will my parents know being their daughter consumed me?  Will the dear ones in my life know being their friend consumed me?   Will people know that my faith consumed me?  I can be so focused on my work that I miss out on my life.  On this work day, I am reminding myself to put just as much effort into my life as I do my career.  Easier written the done, but I am going to try.

Doors

My classroom keys jangled as I balanced Target and Dollar Tree bags down the hallway to Room 30.  I stood outside my locked classroom door and peered in.  Do I really want to go in?, I thought.  Opening that door meant that I was no longer a stay at home mom, but a working mom.  Guilt is on the other side of that door.  Guilt for devoting time to my students instead of my own children.  Guilt for organizing my classroom  instead of doing laundry.  Fear was there too.  What if this year brings a child I cannot reach?  How many parents will I manage to irritate?  Part of me wanted to drop my bags and run the other way.  Another part of me knows that despite the guilt, my job blesses my family and in many ways, it blesses me.  

As I walked through the door, I am reminded that we all walk through doors totally unaware of what lies ahead.  We walk through doors where we have to grasp whatever courage we can find and say a prayer to be able to walk out whole and healthy.  The hospital's door.  The counselor's door.  The unemployment office's door.  Yet, we do not walk through doors alone.  The One who knows what lies on the other side walks beside us. In front of us. Behind us.  This week, I am trying to "Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD, your God goes with you, he will never leave or forsake you."  Dueteronomy 31:6  Whatever doors you are walking through this week, I hope and pray you are able to do the same.